Ladies, we can do better. We are, after all, the fairer sex. I often like to think of us as the brains of the operation in any given situation. But I have a hard time defending the collective "us" when we cannot seem to carry out one simple task: flushing the toilet in public restrooms.
I mean, we've all been there. In an airport, a movie theater, or at a restaurant, we stride purposefully into an open stall only to find that the women who used it previously didn't do the one thing that's asked of human beings in order for indoor plumbing to be effective: flush.
We wonder: did that woman have a mental meltdown between doing her business and leaving the stall? Was she perhaps abducted by aliens before she got the chance to perform the simple action? It's times like this you wish real life was like an episode of CSI and you could get into her mindset as she heinously committed this crime.
And it's not like this is a rare occurrence! I don't know about you, but I see this chicanery more than half the time I'm in a public restroom. It's mind boggling, really, to imagine the thousands of women who go about their daily lives neglecting this basic human courtesy.
In any case, I've (sadly) spent a lot of time trying to figure out what the disconnect is for these women. The only logical conclusion I've managed is that this restroom travesty is the result of complete ignorance on the workings of the modern toilet. Let me explain.
Most people's homes are equipped with the standard toilet that has a small flush handle on the tank. I believe it's safe to assume that most people can carry over the knowledge of how to flush that type of toilet into the public arena and get the job done. It's those tricky automatic-flush toilets that are causing the problem.
You see, the automatic-flush toilet is faulty technology. In a perfect world, the toilet would flush every time a woman stood up after using it and that would be the end of it. But ladies, you know damn well we are not living in a perfect world. The automatic-flush toilet might as well be a cute parlor trick for the amount of time it actually works the way it's supposed to. In fact, I think toddlers have a higher success rate of performing on command than an automatic-flush toilet does.
Since that is the case, ladies, WE must pick up the slack for the shortcomings of the automatic-flush toilet. I know, I know- ANOTHER area of life where you need to pick up the slack? Sounds like a bunch of poo, and it really is. But it must be done to ensure a clean and gag-free restroom that we can all use safely.
"But Holly, it's a fancy spaceship! If the automatic-flush toilet doesn't flush after I use it, there's no way to MAKE it flush!"
You are wrong, madam. Dead. Wrong.
On every model of every automatic-flush toilet I've ever seen in my life, there is a manual flush button hidden somewhere. (Why did the manufacturers hide it in plain sight? That I don't know. Maybe it was a bunch of men who wanted to trick women into leaving bathrooms a mess.) Anyway, depending on the model, it may be a small black button on the front or a shiny silver button on the left-hand side. Somehow, somewhere, a button exists as a failsafe. It is your job as the smart and educated woman you are to find this button and press it if the toilet isn't doing its job. Because if you don't, you are simply leaving your excrement to simmer in wait for the next unsuspecting lady to walk in and find it. I speak for all women when I say DON'T DO THAT SH*T.
So there you have it. I refuse to believe that women aren't self-sufficient enough to flush their own toilets, even in the face of technological adversity. Maybe no one ever told you about the manual flush button and you didn't have the means to look for it yourself. Well now you know. And we all know that when you know better, you do better. So here's to doo-dooing better in the years to come!